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Rotten Ronnie

Way down in a town that I care to never mention
Lives Rotten Ronnie Porky Pie, a cracksman and a henchman
But worse than all his stealing and his nasty petty thieving
Is the habit that he has of always buttock lock-n-sealing

Ronnie presses ham on the shower door
Ronnie presses ham on the bathtub floor
Ronnie presses ham when he sits on the pot
But Ron ya don’t impress me when you press your ham a lot!

Now I don’t deny that I can bruise my bacon too,
On a bench or two I’ve clenched ‘em, but not like Rotten Ron do
He likes to push prosciutto (you must believe me now I swear)
On everything that is in sight, without his underwear!

Ronnie presses ham on the window of the car
Ronnie presses ham on the jungle gym bar
Ronnie presses ham on whatever he be near
But Ronnie don’t you dare to press your tender meat ‘round here!

He sits like a twit – he slams his spam on everything
And he leaves a cold cut dimple after all his chump-squishing
On all the chairs, on the stairs and even on the wall
You can tell he’s bumped his brisket – it’s a patent pratfall

Ronnie presses ham on the grade one teacher’s desk
Ronnie presses ham and it’s really quite grotesque
Ronnie presses ham without a second thought
But Ronnie I can’t wait until the day that you get caught

You’ll be tried by a judge
Who will carry a grudge
And he’ll send you to jail
To cool off your tail

Ron’ll press his ham in his cell in the prison
Ron’ll press his ham ‘til his butt is old and wizened
Ron’ll press his ham and he’ll do it so often
Ron’ll press his ham on the bottom of his coffin

Copyright T. Carson 2005